As I live, says the Lord God, I have no pleasure in
the death of the wicked but that the wicked turn from their ways and live. (Ezekeil 33:11a)
Don’t
be a jerk.
I
could end this essay with the above sentence. As I read through the lessons in
the Revised Common Lectionary for Pentecost 15 Year A[i], I can’t help but notice
they’re all about doing the right thing and getting along with folks—even folks
who treat you like crap. The lessons the Church gives us for this Sunday
in Ordinary Time are simply reminders to behave ourselves as if we’ve actually
heard the gospel and not to lower ourselves to the standards of those who’ve
hurt our feelings or oppose us in some way.
Just
don’t be a jerk. It’s a simple phrase, but it’s pretty hard to follow in
practice. We’re all sinners in a sinful world. In Moses’ day the answer to sin
was simply to execute those who committed it. It’s like he thought, “There are
going to be fewer but better Hebrews.” I guess you can see where
the problem lies with that line of thinking. The followers of Jesus weren’t so
quick to impose capital punishment, but they sometimes had to resort to
excommunication. It was better to kick out the troublemakers. The idea was those
who had doctrinal differences or who chickened out and denied Jesus or who were
just plain pains in the butt might someday repent and be allowed back into the
community. After all, it’s kind of hard to show contrition once you’re dead. A
little time alone could make them reconsider their behavior.
We
in the Church today aren’t that big on threatening excommunication. Okay. I
know. The Roman Catholic Church still blocks folks from the communion rail for
divorce and remarriage, but they don’t forbid them from attending mass.
By and large more Christians simply walk away from the Church than get thrown
out.
Church
discipline might not be such a big deal for my peeps here at tiny Faith
Lutheran of Northeast Philadelphia. We all seem to get along rather well.
Nevertheless, Jesus is trying to teach us in this gospel reading the right way
to go about resolving differences. In this time of hyper polarization in
America, disagreements can flare into arguments, and political discussions can
ignite fistfights. People stop talking to members of their own family. We’d be
well advised to practice what our Lord teaches us.
The
first—and most important if you ask me—bit of instruction Jesus gives us is to
deal with conflict privately (v.15). If you’ve got a beef with someone,
it’s not the classy thing to do to chew them out in front of others, or talk
about them behind their backs, or post your outrage on social media. Go to the
other person when the two of you are alone. If that doesn’t work, Jesus says to
talk to the offender in the presence of one or two others. I should explain
Jesus is talking here about discipline within the Christian community. In the
context of our gospel lesson, you can’t boot somebody out of the church on just
one person’s say-so. Jesus is probably referencing the Old Testament rule
against putting anyone to death on the word of just one witness.[ii]
In
this world where we spend chunks of our lives with our noses pressed to the
screens of our mobile phones, it’s not a bad idea to learn how to talk to
somebody one-on-one again. I heard a podcast[iii] recently which gave me
some pointers on how to do this.
The
first tip is stop, look, and listen. Ask yourself, “Who am I in the other guy’s
story? An accuser? An uninformed nincompoop who needs to be put right? Somebody
who has committed an offense? A threat?” The important thing is not to be
defensive. You’re not trying to “win.” You’re trying to reconcile. Just listen
first.
Step
two: Without scorn or sarcasm repeat the other person’s point of view as you
understand it. What is the value they’re articulating? You can say something
like, “Clearly such-and-such value is important to you, and I’ve let you feel I
don’t respect it.”
Thirdly,
if you can get to a point of agreement on something, you might be able to get
your friend to question their own position. You can try a little Socratic
questioning. “Do you really believe I don’t care about (whatever it is)?”
“Would you agree/disagree with this policy had a politician of the other party
done/said this same thing?”
Finally,
you don’t ever want to walk away mad. If the conversation gets too heated, you
can tell the other person, “I value our relationship more than I value winning
this debate.” You don’t have to get scolded or yelled at. You can walk away.
Just don’t ghost the other person. Always leave the door open for
reconciliation. Jesus never gave up on us. We shouldn’t give up on each other.
Ezekiel
teaches us we have a duty to speak truth to one another. Paul reminds us not to
repay evil with more evil. Jesus hung on the cross to forgive all of us.
So
don’t be a jerk.
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